Happy Birthday to Me

Today, I as I abandoned one age cohort and joined another, I decided to write this blog post. 

I’m pretty boring.  That makes it difficult, under normal circumstances, to find things to blog about. Last year, however, I was more than boring. I was emotional. I had a bad case of the Blues. (Was I Depressed? I can’t say. I didn’t visit a professional and I don’t like to throw around DSM terms. Unless, of course, I’m speculating in private about the mental health of family members, criminals, politicians, and celebrities.) Couple boring with the Blues and not only is it difficult to find something to blog about, it is also difficult to find the will to open up a Word document and press the keys to make letters, words, sentences. When I was in the Blues, it was difficult to voice the depth of what I was feeling, to be honest—even with myself—about emotions and self-worth, to try to figure out how to step into the Yellow and out of the Blue.

I figure I have the Greens right now. (Because Yellow is happy and Yellow and Blue make Green, remember?) Since around Christmas time, I’ve been feeling pretty good. I still get super emotional and then beat myself up for getting emotional from time to time. I did it just last night, in fact. I’m also afraid that the Yellow that is in my life right now will disappear and I will slip back to Blue. Afraid, but Aware.

And that Awareness gives me a small sense of power. I’ve figured out a few things that help buoy my emotional state. I’ve figured out that when I stop doing these things regularly, I get more emotional over little mistakes. To have proof—more than just knowing or being told that I can control my emotional state, but to have actual proof—is thrilling. It doesn’t make the fear go away, but it does help me to understand that I have agency in this battle with the Blues. I am not just collateral damage.

So Happy Birthday to me. I’ve made a resolution, as something that could possibly help buoy my emotional state, to blog a little more regularly during the year of 35. Here's to a year of rediscovering the Yellow.