Monday, October 12, 2015

Fall Bucket List

This evening has been the most autumnal Monday evening ever in terms of celebrating. Here is our family fall bucket list.

1. Go to a pumpkin patch.
2. Roast pumpkin seeds.
3. Carve pumpkins.
4. Rake leaves.
5. Cut out thankful cards.
6. Bake apple cake. I baked our apple cake last weekend before to use up some apples from Mom and Dad's tree.
7. Go to a corn maze.
8. Eat caramel apples. Apparently I'm the only one who likes caramel apples in my house. So I bought one for myself and ate it over the sink, per tradition.
9. Read Harry Potter: Sorcerer's Stone, Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, Goblet of Fire, Order of the Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince, Deathly Hallows. We started on September 1, the first day of school at Hogwarts.
10. Cider. I made myself a cider cocktail with the apple bourbon from Wigle.
11. S'mores.
12. Decorate for Halloween. Tim did this one. We went to Hallmark tonight and he found a new Halloween thing. It is a salt and pepper set of a jack-o-lantern and black cat. He said, "We don't have any black cats!!"
13. Decorate for Thanksgiving.
14. Make chili.
15. Make thankfulness garland.
16. Donate to Harvesters.
17. Go hiking.
18. Take a daytrip.
19. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.
20. Go camping.
21. Have a picnic.
22. Geocache.
23. Coffee shop. I had a pumpkinhead at Headrush last weekend.
24. Buy the best fall candle. We went to Yankee Candle tonight and I got to pick! I got Apple Spice and Ginger Pumpkin.
25. Bake a pumpkin treat.
26. Mulled wine.
27. Go to library event.
28. Go to a fall festival.
29. Celebrate Lily's birthday.
30. Take a Roasterie tour.
31. Visit a historic site.
32. Go to the Nelson.
33. Go rollerskating.
34. Take a drive.
35. Take pictures.
36. Watch the Great Pumpkin.
37. Watch Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.
38. Go to planetarium.
39. Give someone fall flowers.
40. Go to the park.
41. Have a sampler pack of pumpkin beer. I bought it last weekend and finished tonight. I had a Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale, a New Holland Ichabod Pumpkin Ale, a Shipyard Pumpkinhead, a Shock Top Pumpkin Wheat, a Schlafly Pumpkin Ale, and a Traveler Pumpkin Shandy.
42. Go to trunk-or-treat.
43. Make our Halloween gingerbread house.

Thursday, October 1, 2015

Darkness, a Homily

Genesis 1:2 Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the of the deep and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters. 

This is a pretty good description of my experience with depression. The earth feels formless and empty just as life feels formless and empty. No matter what we do to try to fill up our lives, our efforts seem hollow. Emotions are dulled and formless or even nonexistent. We can put on a proper face and respond to situations in a manner that seems appropriate, but the smiles on our faces or the compassion in our eyes never quite reaches our hearts.

Darkness hangs over the surface of the deep. Try as we might to seek out joy and light, we can never quite get a good grip on them. Just as our fingers brush against them, they slip away. Light and joy are ephemeral to people suffering from depression. They are an illusion or a figment of our imaginations.

Just as the Spirit of God hovered over the waters in that time before time, we can feel as though all our relationships hover nearby but still separate. Friends, family, God--they are close enough for us to know they exist in some form, but they hover far enough away that we are unable to participate actively in those relationships, to be sure of their intentions, or to take comfort from them.

We have all glimpsed this formlessness, emptiness, darkness and separation. Whether we've battled with depression or whether we are still battling against it. Even those of us who have not felt the overwhelming waves of darkness, solitude and anxiety have had moments--however fleeting--of the darkness.

However, God didn't leave things in the formless, empty, and dark state. Likewise, he doesn't abandon us in our moments of darkness. In Deuteronomy 31:6, he encourages us to "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you, he will never leave you nor forsake you." In Deuteronomy, God delivers this message to Joshua through Moses. As anyone familiar with the old spiritual knows, Joshua later defeated the fortified city of Jericho without engaging in battle.

This isn't the only time God gives us this promise of hope and encouragement. It is repeated throughout the scriptures to people who faced frightening and dark times--from Noah and Moses to Mary and Joseph to Jesus's disciples. In fact, the only child of God that was forsaken by him was his only Son. In order to redeem us from the eternal darkness of hell, God allowed Jesus to suffer and die as an abandoned human with the burden of our sin.

Even in the beginning, God, in his infinite wisdom, created a world in which we could escape the darkness before he set us on the earth. He provided light to see and time to mark, skies to soar, earth to roam and seas to sail, plants to eat, heavenly bodies to show us the way, and animals to tend. He created us in his image to reflect his love and remind one another of his promise that the feelings of formless, emptiness and darkness can be overcome. He created us to help one another through the dark times and to lead one another along the right paths so that our souls may be restored and that we can join him on that seventh day and throughout eternity, resting in the comfort of the Lord.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Changes

Yesterday I made this blog private and began to mess with some of the features. One thing I certainly want to change is the blog title. I haven't settled on a new title, though, so I used the word change as a placeholder.

This morning, I realized that the word change is quite apropos for our lives right now. We are in for a season of major changes.Changes are always exciting. They bring with them a clean slate and a chance to reexamine my routines in order to upgrade my habits. I love to consider new possibilities and plan for new and better habits. I want to use this season of change to take a big step to having a fuller life and fostering more appreciation my blessings.

My big change goals for this fall include:

1. Finish the first chapter of my thesis.
2. Take more responsibility for the housework.
3. Make a fun fall bucket list and cross many things off the list.
4. Figure out exactly how much total debt we have.
5. Make a plan for retirement savings.
6. Finish a craft project.
7. Walk more along our local trails.
8. Blog.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

The Best Things in Life: Casseroles

Maybe it's the lingering after-effects of the numerous church potluck dinners I attended as a child, but I love casseroles.

And really, what's not to love? It's warm and comforting. You can put the leftovers in refrigerator and then scoop it out and heat it up until its gone. And a casserole dish can go in the dishwasher--no dirty dishes!

Most of them are a complete meal in one dish: protein, starch, veggies. Lots of them include cheese, which is such a hot commodity in this household of three that I buy the huge 8 cup bags of shredded cheese. The two cup bags are for wimps. One notable exception is my favorite casserole, chicken and rice. My husband doesn't like it so I make it just for me. I would eat it for every meal. It reminds me of my childhood and my grandparents. Home is where the chicken and rice casserole is.

I also love how people from the Upper Midwest call them hotdishes. How great is that?

I like to make casseroles on Sunday because then I have lots of good leftovers to start off the week. 

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

The Best Things in Life: Michael Ian Black

Michael Ian Black is one of my favorite people-I-will-never-meet right now. Why? Let me tell you...

First, Wet Hot American Summer, of course. The poster for First Day of Camp has a totem pole-like stack of Paul Rudd on a motorcycle, Michael Ian Black's head and Amy Poehler's head right in the middle. It's so awesome that my husband texted me while I was at work to look it up.

But more importantly, Black hosts this podcast called "How to Be Amazing" and it's amazing. There is a new episode every other Wednesday and he interviews the most interesting people. The guest on today's episode is Nate Silver. Other guests have included Frank Rich, Carl Tanner, Amy Schumer, Tavi Gevinson, Lin-Manuel Miranda, and Elizabeth Gilbert; fascinating people who have really interesting ways and have taken an out-of-the-ordinary path. Black asks great questions and ends each episode with a query of the "amazing five" (an amazing book, movie, food, music, and catch-all), which is a lot of fun.



Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Best Things in Life: Harry Potter Book Club of Two

Today, J. K. Rowling announced that it is James S. Potter's first day of Hogwarts. To celebrate, I made a lazy person's version of pumpkin pasties. I also used this fact to convince my husband that we should start our Harry Potter Book Club of Two. We bought the set of Harry Potter paperbacks earlier this year so we could read the same book at the same time. He wanted to wait until it gets cooler, while I argued for starting at the start of the school year. I'm sure we would have waited until the holiday season if it hadn't been for this announcement.

I'm stoked to climb into our new bed with my hubby and start reading Harry Potter from the beginning. After a cup of tea and a pumpkin pasty, of course.

As we move through our book club selections, my plan is to make as many of these Harry Potter foods as is feasible. I am absolutely not going to make my own jelly beans or buy frog molds, but licorice wands, treacle tarts, and rock cakes I can do.


Thursday, July 30, 2015

Savor or Spree

This morning my little compartmentalized worlds collided for a brief moment. Typically, I have one of three reactions when this happens. All of them could be summed up with a phrase my dad uses often, "Well, I'll be darned."

One reaction, is "huh," as in, "Huh, my third cousin knows someone I went to high school with." It's when "Well, I'll be darned" means, "That stands to reason, but I never would have considered the possibility." The second reaction is "eeew," as in "Eeew, my third cousin is dating someone I had a crush on in high school." It's when "Well, I'll be darned" weird means, "I didn't really want to consider that possibility." The third reaction is my favorite. It's when "Well, I'll be darned" is punctuated with an exclamation point. "Well, I'll be darned!" It's a rare moment of kismet.This morning I had that "Well, I'll be darned" exclamation point - kind of moment.

Last night, I noticed a book Tim had been reading about Nikola Tesla sitting on top on the bookshelf. He hadn't read it for a long time because he didn't want to finish it. He didn't want it to end. I have always been the opposite. I race through the end, no matter what it is. As a preteen, I hid a flashlight under my pillow so I could finish the book I was reading. I clean my plate to the point that I don't even need to rinse it before I put it in the dishwasher. I binge-watch television. I was thinking about that difference between us last night and also how--even though I like to get to the end of the story, season and sleeve of Thin Mints--I have been more apt to savor things as I get older. Or maybe it isn't that I'm older, it's just that I'm choosing things that are worth savoring more often. For instance, as much as I was loving reading One More Thing by B.J. Novak, I couldn't rush through it. It is just too good. Lately the only books I've read in less than 48 hours are ones that I didn't enjoy very much.

This morning, after I was in my car, but before I pulled out of the driveway, out of reach of our wifi, I made sure that the latest "Happier with Gretchen Rubin" podcast had downloaded. I got about 15 minutes into my 50 minute commute when Gretchen and her sister Elizabeth Craft started into a segment they refer to as "Know Yourself Better." The topic they were discussing? "Do you prefer to savor or spree?" I thought, "Well, I'll be darned! I was thinking about this last night."

It was one of those unimportant, inconsequential things that brightened my day.



Saturday, February 28, 2015

Thirty-Seven

I turned 37 this month and right around the big day, I made a list of 37 things that made 36 great and that I hope for more of in the coming year. In no particular order...

1. Reading: Whether it's an entire book in a day or a lazy chapter in a comfy spot or finding a surprisingly charming essay where you least expected it, like Christopher Kimball's editorials in Cook's Illustrated magazine.

2. Scenic overlooks and rearview mirror sunsets on my commute home.

3. My step-daughter's verbalized internal monologues, most of the time.

4. The former hamburger drive-thru joint turned locally-owned tiny coffee shop opened by a couple who cashed out their 401k to make their dream come true. It's one of the only charming things on our otherwise charmless main drag of crumbling mid-century strip malls of the suburbs.

5. Lazy mornings and the quiet of my neighborhood on weekend mornings when no buses, trash trucks, or sirens disturb the peace.

6. Brits and Au Marche in downtown Lawrence and every Ten Thousand Villages store everywhere (and other places like these).

7. Hobbits with their meal plans and hobbit holes.

8. A couple of cottages in our neighborhood, also bungalows with deep front porches, dormer windows and porch swings.

9. Summer thunderstorms and winter snows.

10. Crocuses and "ditch lilies" (and the wonderful people who I first heard say ditch lilies when referring to day lilies).

11. Just the right amount of caffeine and just the right amount of alcohol.

12. David Suchet as Hercule Poirot.

13. Herbal tea, sun tea and sweet tea.

14. Soup and hot dishes in all their wondrous variety.

15. Breakfasts: whether it's scones and earl gray or biscuits and gravy with chow chow.

16. Stuff my mom makes: rows of canned tomato juice, salsa, marinara sauce and green beans, a grapevine wreath with silk flowers, my Christmas and Easter dresses as a little girl, knitted dishcloths and crochet scrubbies.

17. My dad's stories of childhood hijinx.

18. My husband's stories about things like not knowing that pickles were cucumbers and tasting soy candles because they smelled good and you can eat soy.

19. The way one of my childhood friend's eyes have always shined when she's stretching the truth for the sake of a good story.

20. The family farm, which is more sinkholes than farmland.

21. Outside chores: stacking wood, pulling weeds, mowing the grass, burying half-decomposed compost, raking leaves, picking up sticks, etc.

22. Caves

23. Town squares.

24. Nature.

25. Using a spoon or whisk instead of the mixes, using a rake instead of the leaf blower, walking.

26. Small things in jars: beads, marbles, dried beans.

27. Memories and stories of my grandparents: a tidbit that my grandmother referred to the WPA as "we piddle along," my grandpa's cane and the story about the time he spit his false teeth out of the window of his car.

28. Convertible sofas folded out just because you want a space to dogpile while watching tv in your pajamas.

29. Christmas and making cozy during cold weather.

30. Cocoon-like spaces: hammocks, tiny houses, closets, tents, appliance boxes, blanket forts.

31. NPR radio shows.

32. Anything arranged by color to make a rainbow: a closet full of clothes, shelves of books, skittles, skeins of yarn, paint chip displays.

33. Fixing things and recycling what is unfixable and wearing my super awesome patchy pants to run errands.

34. Old jeans that are one size too big, layered t-shirts, grandpa cardigans.

35. Big bowls full of fruit and pillar candles and flowers and candy dishes.

36. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey.

37. Public transportation.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Full On Monet

I am a full on Monet.





I came to this realization while getting ready for Christmas with my in-laws. As I applied my usual layers of makeup, I took two steps away from the bathroom mirror and appraised myself in it without the aid of my astigmatism-correcting glasses. I looked pretty good. It's not until I moved closer to the mirror that the big old mess comes into focus: clogged pores, flaky skin, chin hairs, unplucked eyebrows and the other usual aging woes.

I had just enjoyed my last lazy morning of holiday vacation; a beautiful morning of tea and pumpkin oatmeal, Anne Lamott, and my sleeping husband and step-child, all half-lit by Christmas tree lights and the morning sun sparkling off a fresh skim of icy snow. Then everyone else in the house woke up and things came into focus; my step-daughter's irritating indecision and low-level bickering with my husband that escalated into squabbling and hurt feelings. A big old mess.

I suspect there are lots of people like me. People who are okay from far away but seem more like a big old mess the closer you get. We feel much more comfortable keeping people at arm's length and being slightly out of focus if it means we seem okay. It is rare to find someone who allows their big old messes to come so sharply into focus. It makes sense, doesn't it? We all want to reflect the beautiful impression of ourselves that we sometimes glimpse in the golden morning light.

I am lucky to live in a city with a great art museum. It has full on Monets and other Impressionist works, too. I notice that lots of people like to bask in the perfectly lit, parqueted floor Impressionist room. We all take two steps back and change our focus to catch the beautiful idea of the thing that inspired the artist to pick up his brush and make a big old mess.

I've also noticed that fewer people seem to linger in the concrete-floored modernist expansion to the neoclassical museum, especially in front of this painting. Heineken by Idelle Weber is a beautifully executed sharply focused painting of a big old mess. The thing that inspired this painting is a wreck. It's irritatingly, squabbly, hurt feelings-y messy. It's discarded and worthless. It's trash. But thanks to the artist's keen eye and steady hand, she elevated this big old mess into something valuable--treasured, even. Every time we visit this museum, we are drawn to this painting. I appreciate it because it is a big old mess rendered so sharply in focus that it becomes beautiful.

What if we all could share our messes just as they are? Isn't there beauty in that? At times, I get inspired glimpses of my beautiful mess: artfully arranged bed head, mascara smudges so perfect they look like they were applied by a make-up artist for a mid-1990s heroine chic fashion shoot, bruises that look like Monet's version of a stormy sky at night.

It's easier to find beauty in our exterior messes than in our internal ones. But I'm slowly learning to claim those messes, too, and render them in ever-sharpening focus. While I don't necessarily feel more beautiful when I say things like "I don't know what that means," or "that hurts my feelings," or "I'm so frustrated and overwhelmed I don't know what to do," I always feel better after I claim the mess. When I do, I inevitably learn something about myself, my loved ones, or the world around me. And that is a beautiful thing, no matter from how far away or up close you look at it.