Happy Labor Day! It’s the time of year that stay-at-home
moms, “lifestyle” bloggers, sorority girls, self-professed taste-makers and
their suburban acolytes, adolescent girls, Pinterest mavens and stylish gays
everywhere ramp up their lurid cultish practices. We’ll call them Virbrascorpittariologists—followers
of the Cult of Autumn. I had nearly forgotten
about the Cult of Autumn until a trip to a craft store yesterday revealed a
bevy of crazed suburban ladies filling their carts with sprays of silk leaves
in autumnal colors, tiny hay bales, and pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkins.
Consider this a public service announcement. The Cult of Autumn is pervasive and insidious. No one is
safe from the Virbrascorpittariologists. Every fall, they try to lure normal
people into conversions that swell their apple-cider-scented ranks. It’s a
slippery slope. First, you convince yourself that there isn’t any harm in a pumpkin
latte and the next thing you know, you’re suiting up in the cult-approved
uniform of skinny jeans, boots, and sweaters, layered with scarves and jackets.
Here are some tips to spot a Virbrascorpittariologists and steer clear of the
vortex. It will suck you in if you get too close.
The Importance of Labor
Day: What’s that? It’s still hot as f*** after Labor Day making early
September an inappropriate time to consider steaming mugs of hot apple cider
cocktails? Congratulations, you’re still a normal person. Virbrascorpittariologists
have confused Labor Day with the autumnal equinox. They have rejected the relationship
of the earth to the sun—which dictates our seasons—as a way to dictate the
seasons. Instead they celebrate Labor Day as the beginning of Autumn. Labor Day,
in case you’ve started to be brainwashed by the Virbrascorpittariologists is a day
that the Department of Labor defines as “a creation of the labor movement…
dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers.”
“Workers, schmirkers,” Virbrascorpittariologists proclaim! “It’s
time to buy red, orange, brown and gold cheap junk that was made in southeast
Asia by exploited workers from lowly retail employees forced to work on a day
which I have off! Who am I kidding, I probably have every day off! But today my
husband is home so I can get him to wire these glittery silk leaves up in our entryway.
Then we can celebrate with pumpkintinis! Hooray for Labor Day!”
The High Holy Days: While
Labor Day is important in that it marks the beginning of Autumn for a
Virbrascorpittariologist, it is not a High Holy Day. That distinction is
reserved for Halloween and Thanksgiving. Virbrascorpittariologists celebrate
all they hold dear on these two days: costuming, food presentation, Pinterest-inspired
overly complicated party favors, seasonally appropriate throw pillows and of
course…
Pumpkins, Pumpkins,
Pumpkins: Here is an analogy that sort-of works but not quite—Pumpkins: Virbrascorpittariologists
:: Crucifixes : Catholics. See, it doesn’t quite work because, luckily for Virbrascorpittariologists,
pumpkins are also edible, turning this analogy into something like—Pumpkins : Virbrascorpittariologists
:: Crusifixes and the Body and Blood of Christ : Catholics. That’s a little
clumsy, but I think you get my point. If you were Catholic and the Pope came to
your house, you would make sure to have a crucifix hanging on the wall. If you
are Virbrascorpittariologists and Martha Stewart came to your house anytime
after Labor Day but before Black Friday, you would make sure to have at least
one pumpkin (but most likely multiple pumpkins carefully arranged in an artful vignette)
on display in your home. Likewise, just at Catholics are supposed to regularly
partake in Holy Communion; Virbrascorpittariologists must partake of pumpkin
lattes, pumpkin beer and pumpkintinis and swirl pumpkin into their oatmeal,
slurp their pumpkin soup, and nibble pumpkin pastries as often as they
photograph their food for social media. So beware, that “friend” filling up
your Facebook feed with pictures of her pumpkin food: that is as sure a sign of
a Virbrascorpittariologists as 666 is a sign of the devil.
Other Décor Choice: While
pumpkins are at the heart of Autumnal décor, let’s not forget that
Virbrascorpittariologist does not live on pumpkin décor alone. In order to
create a proper, Pinterest-worthy Autumn vignette for every room in your home,
other décor must be incorporated. Appropriate choices include: fake leaves, oranges,
things with acorns on them, golds, other gourds, reds, the words “give thanks”,
browns, and hay bales and corn stalks. If you see any of these items in
combination outside a person’s house, give that person, and their house, a wide
berth.
White as a Fashion
Choice: A person wearing white after Labor Day used to be a sure sign that
said person was clear of Autumnal cultish influence. This rule no longer applies! Sometime in the early- to mid-aughts, Virbrascorpittariologists
became aware that avoiding this former sartorial sin marked them as proselytizing
Autumnal loonies. The gradual reversal of opinion on white after Labor Day from
“no way” to “hooray” among Virbrascorpittariologists makes it impossible to
discern a Virbrascorpittariologist from a summer-loving Gemicanleogogician who
is refusing to retreat into hibernation. (Gemicanleogo is an equally terrifying
cult whose influence waxes following Memorial Day and wanes in the face of the meteoric rise of the Virbrascorpittariologists
that occurs annually post-Labor Day. Sometimes, there is cross-over, as any
given person can enjoy membership in both cults.)
Other Sartorial
Signs: Oversized sweaters and cardigans, skinny jeans and leggings, boots
of all shapes and colors, scarves, buttery leather handbags in brown or other colors approved for this autumn by InStyle magazine, plaid shirts layered
under puffy vests, and coats when the weather doesn’t warrant a coat. While any
of these items does not guarantee the person in question is a Virbrascorpittariologists,
proceed cautiously.
Places Where Virbrascorpittariologists Reside: In order to resist the influence of the Virbrascorpittariologists,
avoid the following between Labor Day and Black Friday: Social Media,
Starbucks, Lifestyle Television Shows, Morning News Programs (Local and
National), Craft Supply Stores, Home Décor Stores, Box Stores of All Types,
Grocery Store End-caps, Probably Your Mom’s House, Garage Sales, Candle Stores,
Any Store that Sells Clothes, Greeting Card Stores, Suburban Schools, Anywhere
that Adults Organize Children’s Activities, Shoe Stores, Your Own Storage Boxes,
Lifestyle Magazines, Probably Your Friends,
Your Husband if He Is Anything Like Mine, Farmers’ Markets, Bakeries… Actually,
it might be a good idea to stay safely inside your home until the day after
Thanksgiving. But beware of well-wishers who think you’ve taken ill and visit
your house. They will probably come bearing pumpkin scones to help you feel
better.
