Book Review Haiku

I decided to change my "Reading" page. It's now "Book Review Haiku." I wrote haikus about all the books I've read this year. Check it out.

We Are Never Ever Getting Back to Regular

As I settled into the standard-issue clinic waiting room chair, I noticed across from me a young blond woman was gazing into the middle distance. She was the first thing I noticed, on the cover of the top magazine on the table. The simpering smile told me instantly the blond was Taylor Swift. The second thing I noticed was the magazine’s title. It wasn’t a celebrity magazine like People or a women’s lifestyle magazine like InStyle. It was much more unexpected than that.

Maybe it’s just because I haven’t settled into a clinic waiting room chair and scanned the selection of magazines for quite some time, but Taylor Swift’s cover’s title caught me by surprise: Web M.D. Think about that for a second. WEB M. D. Many of the magazines of my youth that were piled high on the inherited-from-my-great-aunt half-circle end table that was wedged between the couch and my dad’s Laz-E-Boy are no more. Newsweek for example is no longer tangible, but virtual. Yet, here in my doctor’s office, Taylor Swift is smirking up from the magazine table on the printed cover of a concept that started in the virtual world and has—apparently—jumped into the tangible one. At the time, I didn’t think too much about Taylor Swift. But after I got home, I started wondering about healthcare and a print magazine whose title begins with the word “Web.”

The fact is, new clinics are springing up all over my Northland Kansas City suburbs. And once the postmodern, wastefully soaring-ceilinged, new buildings are open for business, Web M.D. magazine will probably grace their waiting room tables and racks as well. My husband blames the Affordable Care Act for the irritatingly inefficient buildings that are popping up to house groups of nurse practitioners and general practitioners. But I can’t help but wonder if Web M.D. isn’t partly to blame.

Here’s why: On Saturday, my abdomen started cramping after I ate dinner. It hurt enough to give me chills and send me to bed. It happened again on Sunday after lunch. And that’s when the Googling began. Have you ever done that before? Googled your symptoms? I remember my first time. I was living almost a thousand miles away from my parents for the first time in my life and I quickly became convinced I had ovarian cancer. Ultimately the doctors ruled that out but they couldn’t find a diagnosis or anything to make the pain go away for good. Then I went to the chiropractor because my back hurt. A crack and a pop and Surprise! my ovaries felt normal again. Web M.D. makes it very easy to fall down that rabbit hole. 

This time, thanks to the Internet, I feared that I had diverticulitis. It was the lower, left-side abdominal pain that tipped me off. The first runner-up in my self-diagnosis pageant was an ectopic pregnancy but diverticulitis won the tiara. Ultimately, the fear and worry caused by my Internet diagnosis drove me to make an appointment on Monday morning instead of going to work and seeing if it got any better.

And so goes my theory: Web M.D. sends more and more people to clinics. Clinics support Web M.D.’s print edition. People see the magazine in the waiting room, thereby reinforcing the impulse to turn to Web M.D. and increasing the need for more clinics. Once you Google your symptoms, the seed is planted that your stress headache is actually an embolism, just waiting to kill you. Your mind and your symptoms can’t be put to rest until you go see a doctor.

As for my abdominal pain, an x-ray confirmed what my grandfather probably would have been able to tell me, were he still alive and abdominal pain was the sort of thing we talked about in our family. And what he would have told me is this, “You need to poop more. Here take some castor oil.” Instead, I paid my $25 co-pay for cancer causing beams to be shot through my baby-maker and a person with more years of student loans than years of actual medical practice could tell me to go to the store and buy a laxative/stool softener.

So I went, and I bought, and I took, and I’m waiting. I just can’t help but think, though, that Taylor Swift owes me a song about poop.

Lent

I wasn’t raised in a church that practiced the Lenten sacrifice, but I was surrounded by lots of Catholics in my small town. If you didn’t want to eat school cafeteria fish on Fridays during Lent, you’d better bring your own lunch to school. As someone who went to church every Sunday growing up and paying attention to those kind of things, the church calendar is deeply engrained in me. No matter how little or much I was paying attention to faith, hardly an Ash Wednesday went by unnoticed by me. As I got older, I got more and more attached to the idea of giving something up for Lent. The way I think of the Lenten sacrifice is as a reminder that when I’m weak, God is strong; that Jesus withstood temptation for forty days (and the rest of his life); that God gave up his Son for me; that I’ve been blessed with so much in life and others aren’t as lucky; that whatever we do unto the least of these,we do unto God.

Also, I just realized this year that there are 46 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter and 40 days in Lent. Hence, Sundays don’t count. I’ve decided (with absolutely no theological background to support this) that Sundays are supposed to celebrations of Easter, year-round. That’s why Christians go to church or “keep holy” Sunday instead of the Sabbath-Saturday. And you can’t celebrate Easter when you’re keeping Lent.

As I mentioned in my last blog post, for Lent this year, I’m doing a Daniel Fast, vegan, no sugar/honey/syrup, whole grains only, no leavening, just water to drink. I’m having to consciously tell myself not to lick the spoon after stirring up the chocolate cake and strawberry cookies I baked for my parents-in-laws’ birthdays, and prepare two kinds of lasagna instead of one for the same birthday celebration. Thursday, I spit out butter I accidentally licked off my finger while making a grilled cheese sandwich for my step-daughter. Friday, I ordered the most virtuous wrap at Longboards only to remember five bites in that the rice is white and not brown. I'm craving chocolate and sweets because it is around me 24/7 (especially after being snowed in from work for 2 days in a row). I’m finding ways to live within the rules, though. I can’t wait to get my hands on all the ingredients for some black bean, no flour, sweetened with dried fruit brownies. I keep mixing up concoctions of bananas, peanut butter, prunes and unsweetened cocoa powder. My Pinterest page is filling up with pictures of these:

I’m also trying to remember to pray the offices every day. I’ve gotten out of the habit of regular prayer (since about the age of 11) and I would like to try to remember to actively engage in prayer more often. The thing that works best for me is setting the alarm on my phone to remind myself to pray. I still end up forgetting. So far, my 40 Days app tells me that I’ve forgotten six of the eleven days. Hopefully, the habit will become more ingrained as the Lenten season wears on.

And while we’re on the topic of habit change, I don’t have a resolution for this week, either. What are your resolutions or Lenten sacrifices for this year? I need some inspiration.

Happiness Project

I fail a lot. I just want to put that out there, right at the beginning of this post so that there is no misunderstanding. I have good intentions and often don’t live up to them. In spite of that, I started a happiness project of sorts in January. In the past month of working doing my happiness project, I’ve noticed that not keeping up with my happiness project correlates with feeling Blue. And I suspect that “feeling Blue” does not cause the “not keeping up” so much as the “not keeping up” contributes to the “feeling Blue.” It’s like Newton’s First Law and being a body in motion keeps me ahead of the Blues. This realization has probably been the biggest benefit of my happiness project so far.

Here is what I’ve been doing:

Journal: I’ve been keeping a written journal since about Christmas. It’s really totally boring. I haven’t ever in all the days I’ve written about, gone back and re-read it. For example, most of my entries end with some variation of, “And then we watched Dr. Who and went to bed.” However, there is something in the ritual of recording the day’s events that is comforting. Most of my journal entries start with a list of ten things I have to do that day. I usually only cross off two things from my list. (I told you I fail a lot.) After the list and before the day’s events, I write down the day’s Quote.

Quotes on a Theme: What is it about quotes that are so appealing? I don’t know, but I’ve always been a sucker for all quote delivery systems: page-a-day calendars, daily emails of quotes, Tumblr feeds, Pinterest boards. It’s sick, really. So I decided to add to the noise and be a collector of quotes. My theme for most of this year is from Galatians 5:22-23, or as I think of it, “The Fruit of the Spirit.” January was love. February is joy. March is peace, and so on. Along with writing the quotes in my diary, I put them in my Tumblr feed. I don’t think much about the quotes over the course of the day, but every now and then, when I’m particularly frustrated about something, I’ll open my Tumblr feed and read the day’s inspiration.

Chore Chart: I’m one of those terrible people who is blind to dust, dirt, and the gradual accumulation of filth. Left to my own devices, I would vacuum the floor only when my parents were coming to visit and take out the trash only when I could stuff not one more Q-tip in the bag or the smell became unbearable. That’s just me. (I got married to someone who vacuums three times a week so I don’t have to worry about rugs or trash. Consider this, single ladies, when you choose your mate.) I will, however, periodically (although not regularly enough if Pinterest if your life coach) decide to wash the curtains or deep clean the refrigerator. Given my limitations and inclinations, I decided to make a chore chart. It just works for me; it gives me a sense of accomplishment and keeps me moving. The times when I start to get lazy and not check things off my chore chart, coincide with the onset the Blues. After several months of nothing checked off my chore chart last year, this realization finally dawned on my during an early February lag in my New Year’s Resolve.

Resolutions: Right now, I’m adding a new resolution every week. Sometimes they coincide with my “quotes on a theme” but most often they do not. Sometimes they are well-thought out and sometimes they are not. Some of them are very successful, some of them are not. The good thing about it is that it holds me accountable. Will I get to the end of the year and actually have 52 resolutions? I hope not. There is only so much a girl can do in a day. Here are my resolutions thus far, week by week:

1.       Spend 1 hour on thesis.

2.       Workout.

3.       Reset every night.

4.       Read a chapter in the Bible every day.

5.       Eat differently. (This changes. The first two weeks, Tim and I were on a detox diet. Then with the start of Lent, I started a Daniel Fast. After Easter, it will probably be something that focuses on eating all my vegetables or something like that.)

6.       Find Joy. (This is a reminder to myself: Don’t be an asshole. There is something to be happy about everyday if I just look for it. And write it down so I remember.)

7.       Pray the Offices. 

8.       Spend at least 5 minutes during lunch working on a blog post.

Two Reminders

Reminder to myself in case I ever need it:

I can be enthusiastic! Proof: Here is a list of things I’m jazzed about right now.

My Husband • Saving Money • Books • Craftiness & Upcycling • Smart Writing (mostly not my own) • Outside • Fad Diets • Recipes • Being Lazy (as an Artform) • Exercise • Creating Perfect Playlists • Planning  • Doctor Who • Neil Gaiman • Amy Pohler • My Dream of Living in a Hobbit Hole That Is Off-the-Grid • My Dream of Walking Through All of the Lower 48 States • Knitting • Other things I'm not thinking of right now

Here is another thing:

Yesterday I had lots and lots of lovely happy birthday messages on my Facebook wall. Often this is how I feel when Facebook tells me that it is someone’s birthday---->

But yesterday I decided that I would answer every single person who wished me happy birthday with a message. I started last night and finished this morning and answered everyone, even if it was just a generic “Thanks! Hope you are doing well.” It felt good and some people even responded.

Remember this, future self, you always have it in you to wish people a happy birthday. These days, it takes very little effort to reach out to someone. There is no sense in isolating yourself. There is no need to feel alone. A few simple keystrokes can brighten your day and someone else’s.