Cult of Autumn

Happy Labor Day! It’s the time of year that stay-at-home moms, “lifestyle” bloggers, sorority girls, self-professed taste-makers and their suburban acolytes, adolescent girls, Pinterest mavens and stylish gays everywhere ramp up their lurid cultish practices. We’ll call them Virbrascorpittariologists—followers of the Cult of Autumn. I had nearly forgotten about the Cult of Autumn until a trip to a craft store yesterday revealed a bevy of crazed suburban ladies filling their carts with sprays of silk leaves in autumnal colors, tiny hay bales, and pumpkins, pumpkins, pumpkins.

Consider this a public service announcement. The Cult of Autumn is pervasive and insidious. No one is safe from the Virbrascorpittariologists. Every fall, they try to lure normal people into conversions that swell their apple-cider-scented ranks. It’s a slippery slope. First, you convince yourself that there isn’t any harm in a pumpkin latte and the next thing you know, you’re suiting up in the cult-approved uniform of skinny jeans, boots, and sweaters, layered with scarves and jackets. Here are some tips to spot a Virbrascorpittariologists and steer clear of the vortex. It will suck you in if you get too close.

The Importance of Labor Day: What’s that? It’s still hot as f*** after Labor Day making early September an inappropriate time to consider steaming mugs of hot apple cider cocktails? Congratulations, you’re still a normal person. Virbrascorpittariologists have confused Labor Day with the autumnal equinox. They have rejected the relationship of the earth to the sun—which dictates our seasons—as a way to dictate the seasons. Instead they celebrate Labor Day as the beginning of Autumn. Labor Day, in case you’ve started to be brainwashed by the Virbrascorpittariologists is a day that the Department of Labor defines as “a creation of the labor movement… dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers.”

“Workers, schmirkers,” Virbrascorpittariologists proclaim! “It’s time to buy red, orange, brown and gold cheap junk that was made in southeast Asia by exploited workers from lowly retail employees forced to work on a day which I have off! Who am I kidding, I probably have every day off! But today my husband is home so I can get him to wire these glittery silk leaves up in our entryway. Then we can celebrate with pumpkintinis! Hooray for Labor Day!”

The High Holy Days: While Labor Day is important in that it marks the beginning of Autumn for a Virbrascorpittariologist, it is not a High Holy Day. That distinction is reserved for Halloween and Thanksgiving. Virbrascorpittariologists celebrate all they hold dear on these two days: costuming, food presentation, Pinterest-inspired overly complicated party favors, seasonally appropriate throw pillows and of course…

Pumpkins, Pumpkins, Pumpkins: Here is an analogy that sort-of works but not quite—Pumpkins: Virbrascorpittariologists :: Crucifixes : Catholics. See, it doesn’t quite work because, luckily for Virbrascorpittariologists, pumpkins are also edible, turning this analogy into something like—Pumpkins : Virbrascorpittariologists :: Crusifixes and the Body and Blood of Christ : Catholics. That’s a little clumsy, but I think you get my point. If you were Catholic and the Pope came to your house, you would make sure to have a crucifix hanging on the wall. If you are Virbrascorpittariologists and Martha Stewart came to your house anytime after Labor Day but before Black Friday, you would make sure to have at least one pumpkin (but most likely multiple pumpkins carefully arranged in an artful vignette) on display in your home. Likewise, just at Catholics are supposed to regularly partake in Holy Communion; Virbrascorpittariologists must partake of pumpkin lattes, pumpkin beer and pumpkintinis and swirl pumpkin into their oatmeal, slurp their pumpkin soup, and nibble pumpkin pastries as often as they photograph their food for social media. So beware, that “friend” filling up your Facebook feed with pictures of her pumpkin food: that is as sure a sign of a Virbrascorpittariologists as 666 is a sign of the devil.

Other Décor Choice: While pumpkins are at the heart of Autumnal décor, let’s not forget that Virbrascorpittariologist does not live on pumpkin décor alone. In order to create a proper, Pinterest-worthy Autumn vignette for every room in your home, other décor must be incorporated. Appropriate choices include: fake leaves, oranges, things with acorns on them, golds, other gourds, reds, the words “give thanks”, browns, and hay bales and corn stalks. If you see any of these items in combination outside a person’s house, give that person, and their house, a wide berth.

White as a Fashion Choice: A person wearing white after Labor Day used to be a sure sign that said person was clear of Autumnal cultish influence. This rule no longer applies! Sometime in the early- to mid-aughts, Virbrascorpittariologists became aware that avoiding this former sartorial sin marked them as proselytizing Autumnal loonies. The gradual reversal of opinion on white after Labor Day from “no way” to “hooray” among Virbrascorpittariologists makes it impossible to discern a Virbrascorpittariologist from a summer-loving Gemicanleogogician who is refusing to retreat into hibernation. (Gemicanleogo is an equally terrifying cult whose influence waxes following Memorial Day and wanes in the face of the meteoric rise of the Virbrascorpittariologists that occurs annually post-Labor Day. Sometimes, there is cross-over, as any given person can enjoy membership in both cults.)

Other Sartorial Signs: Oversized sweaters and cardigans, skinny jeans and leggings, boots of all shapes and colors, scarves, buttery leather handbags in brown or other colors approved for this autumn by InStyle magazine, plaid shirts layered under puffy vests, and coats when the weather doesn’t warrant a coat. While any of these items does not guarantee the person in question is a Virbrascorpittariologists, proceed cautiously.

Places Where Virbrascorpittariologists Reside: In order to resist the influence of the Virbrascorpittariologists, avoid the following between Labor Day and Black Friday: Social Media, Starbucks, Lifestyle Television Shows, Morning News Programs (Local and National), Craft Supply Stores, Home Décor Stores, Box Stores of All Types, Grocery Store End-caps, Probably Your Mom’s House, Garage Sales, Candle Stores, Any Store that Sells Clothes, Greeting Card Stores, Suburban Schools, Anywhere that Adults Organize Children’s Activities, Shoe Stores, Your Own Storage Boxes, Lifestyle Magazines, Probably Your Friends, Your Husband if He Is Anything Like Mine, Farmers’ Markets, Bakeries… Actually, it might be a good idea to stay safely inside your home until the day after Thanksgiving. But beware of well-wishers who think you’ve taken ill and visit your house. They will probably come bearing pumpkin scones to help you feel better.

On the First Day of Christmas...

If I have a personal Christmas mission, it's this one: Christmas doesn't end until January 6. Leave up your tree; keep spinning your Christmas jams; continue to get your Holly Jolly on.

My New Year's Resolution is to correct people--even strangers--when they refer to the 12 Days of Christmas being before Christmas. Why does everyone think this? This year, we even saw a "12 Days of Christmas" themed Advent calendar at Hallmark. Sacrilege! If Hallmark wants to bank on Christian traditions by labeling their countdown-to-Christmas cardboard junk an "Advent" calendar, at least they should not mix up their church seasons.

I understand the confusion, though. Tim was raised in an evangelical church and did not know about the 12 Days until we got married and I insisted that the Christmas trees stay up until January 6. (Just like he didn't know that pickles were cucumbers. Our marriage has been so educational for him.) What's so special about January 6, he wondered.

Well, January 6 is the celebration of the feast of Epiphany, the day when Christians who organize their worship by a religious calendar (like Lutherans and Catholics), commemorate the coming of the Magi. (Magi is the plural of Magus. Did you know that? As I typed Magi, I wondered what the non-plural of that word was so I Googled it. You're welcome.) In some countries, gifts are exchanged on Epiphany. I've heard my old pastor tell of one of his friends who did gifts on Epiphany instead of Christmas--for a lot of religious reasons, but also, hey! buy everything at after-Christmas sales. Thrifty!

So, in short, Advent is the preparation for Christmas and is celebrated the four weeks prior. Christmas is celebrated from December 25 through January 6. Why should yes-Christmas-non-Christians or yes-Christmas-non-practicing-Christians care? Why do you have a tree or exchange gift or do Santa on the 25th? Because Catholics told you to, that's why. So don't mess this Advent-Christmas thing up either, jerks. Also, why not celebrate until the 6th? More days for cookies and twinkle lights and merriment? More Harry Connick, Jr. crooning about wooden soldiers and being nice to strangers because your heart has grown three sizes? Yes, please!

(Sidebar: this year Tim decided that Santa is Jesus-lite for non-religious people: he watches over you, judges your behavior, rewards you for belief, and comes at Christmas.)

So this year, we are going to try even harder to keep our Christmas spirit twelve more days. Yes, we'll leave up our tree like we always do, but we'll also dedicate more family-togetherness time. Yes, we'll keep turning on our outdoor Christmas lights, but we'll also try to say hello to friends we know and everyone we meet. I hope you can do the same.

Merry Twelve Days of Christmas!

Not Cool, Bro

My step-daughter's Social Studies teacher is in his first year of teaching. I remember being there and can sympathize. It's not at all easy. Dealing with discipline issues and creating assignments and making sure you're hitting the moving target of content / skill standards which changes every five years or so. 

He assigns a lot of reports, which I'm cool with. Research and writing is an important skill. HOWEVER, this weekend my step-daughter came over with an assignment to write a report on a topic about Canada. Her paper was supposed to include answers to the following questions: 1. What if your topic was from the U.S.? and 2. What is his/her influence on Canada? The paper has to be two pages, double spaced, in 12 point Times New Roman font. The topic that Lily drew out of the hat was Carly Rae Jepsen. 

First, even she realized that this would teach her nothing about Canada's history or culture. 

Second, to get to the assigned two pages of material, you eventually come across Google hits about Ms. Jepsen's unfortunate hacking incident--complete with entries about naked pictures and blowjobs. Not something I want my 12-year-old looking through. 

Third, her influence on Canada? I was composing sentences in my head like, "Carly Rae Jepsen is as important to the Canadian pop music scene as Avril Lavigne and Nicklebak." "Carly Rae Jepsen has shown Canadians that hard work gets you no where without a tweet from Justin Bieber." "Jepsen is a twenty-eight-year-old woman who dresses and acts like a tween to appeal to her fan base, proving that nothing is more important than conforming to your record label's creation of your personal brand."

And yes, I recommended a paragraph of nothing but a list of Jepsen's music awards just to get to the desired two pages. Yay for teaching my kid how to fill space on the page. 

I'm just glad Lily didn't draw Justin Bieber's name. Can you imagine what his Google search would return? Nothin' like having to sort through reports of drugs and hookers for your parochial school sixth grade social studies report. 

Over the River and Through the Woods

Note: Basically all the photos in this post were taken by the talented Jeff Hobson and stolen from Liz's Facebook. This is why they look so huge!

Last Saturday was the most beautiful fall Missouri day. The fall foliage this year has been spectacular and we took advantage of it!

We kicked the day off with the Wilderness Run. This is my favorite race in the Kansas City area. It's a trail run that starts and ends at the Shoal Creek Living History Museum and winds around Hodge Park--literally over the creek and through the woods. This was also Liz's first race ever!



Jennifer was nice enough to pick up our race packets in advance and picked up some great swag for us--lots of freebies and coupons<--Reason number 1 why this is a great race. We met up at my house on Saturday morning and headed over to the start. The race is never very crowded and there are lots of great volunteers there to help out <--Reason number 2!

Reason number 3? This is where we start and finish.


I took off kinda fast in order to get in a good spot when the trail hit the woods and narrowed too much to pass anyone. I kept up with Jennifer's friend for awhile until I just couldn't keep up anymore. I got a headache around mile 3.5 and a bit of a side stitch. Then Jennifer overtook me and I trailed her in.

I'm floating!

We finished 5th and 6th in our age group, which I'm happy with. Jennifer won a prize just for registering for the race and being lucky<--Reason number 4, and then we went to warm up with some delicious soup<--Reason number 5. They had about a million different kinds of soup, I had the sausage and tortellini. It hit the spot! 

Reason number 6--> They have the best race tshirts ever. 

Then we left to get ready for part 2 of our day. We headed out to wineries in Lexington and Waverly, tasting as we went. 



 

It's the Freakin' Weekend

The last weekend in October was mostly focused on my brother's 40th birthday.

On Friday evening, I headed toward the Plaza to meet up with my Rep volunteering buddies for our pre-volunteering dinner. This time, we chose Spin! Pizza. After dinner, we drove over to the theater for the KC Rep's production of The Foreigner. I got assigned the cushy job of will call and then settled in to enjoy the show. It was pretty funny and I may have spit on myself due to an unexpected laugh. It was late for me by the time I got home and a pretty much fell into bed.

I had planed to get up and go for my long run early Saturday morning before we hit the road, but I was very tired and couldn't drag myself out of bed. Ditching my plans was just as bad, though, because I kind of had a meltdown. I pulled it together enough for us to hit the road and even remembered to pack all of the important stuff. Thank goodness Tim was there to make sure everything else was taken care of.

As we headed out of town, we saw a terrible accident on westbound 70. All of the traffic was being diverted from the interstate. I quickly reloaded Facebook onto my iPhone so I could alert a friend who I knew was going to be traveling through the area. After that, it was pretty smooth sailing. Lily worked on her homework--a creative essay on what 10 animals she would bring if she were Noah and there were going to be floods--and debated with us the merits of, say, elephants v. camels and cows v. goats. I grabbed a bunch of back issues of Better Homes and Gardens and flipped through them, tearing out the stuff that was most interesting. Is it just me or does anyone else have a difficult time of letting go of magazines?? Ripping stuff out is the only way I can bear to send them to recycling nirvana.

We made it to Mom & Dad's and unpacked everything. We presented my brother with his birthday gift.

I finished this project in less than a week. That's super-speed for me!

He didn't realize that I made the blanket until my mom told him. (Made, as in, put the border on it.) That was kind of a nice compliment.

I decided I might as well get my long run in. I got on my gear and plotted a course through the gravel roads of my parents' rural subdivision that was basically six miles long and hit the road. It was a beautiful sunny and warm day. My parent's roads are up on a ridge so it's always fairly windy up there. I got to run past there house several times so I threw a water bottle in their yard to grab every time I ran past. Very convenient!!

I showered and got dressed and we all loaded up in the car and drove across the interstate to go to the sorghum maze. Except for Lily, none of us had been to a corn maze before. It was a lot of fun and we all decided that sorghum was a better medium for mazes than corn. (These are the kind of discussions that are had by a farm/agribusiness family!) Dad bought Lily a "princess" pumpkin and we drove down the road a little ways to try to spot Clydesdales.

Sorghum blew into Tim's mouth just as Mom took this picture.

After we got home, Mom, Lily, Tim & I all pitched in to make this cake happen. Mom baked three cakes in advance so we could stack them up. They were so moist! It was difficult to pile them together, but we managed in the end. I decided we should go with paper windows and signs because there just wasn't time to go whole hog with the icing decorations. I'm not supremely skilled when it comes to cake decorating and covering the cake with different colored star-tipped splotches to make the T.A.R.D.I.S. design was NOT in the cards. I also insisted that we present the cake before dinner just in case if fell over. Thanks to some strategically placed dowel rods, it was still standing when we finished dinner.

Just to make sure we did all the autumn things in one day, my dad planned a wienie roast that evening. We gathered around the fire eating chili and hot dogs and rotisserie-ing our  bodies to try to even out the warmth. We skipped the s'mores in favor of birthday cake!

On Sunday, we went to church and had a big fried chicken birthday lunch with all the fixin's. I so went overboard on the calories, but that is something that you have to do when it comes to Mom's chicken dinner. After lunch, we loaded up into the van and took off to the country to take family pictures.

While we took pictures, we also explored the old barn. Tim had never been in a hayloft before. What a city slicker!

We were all reluctant to leave but after dinner, we packed up the car and hit the road. It was a great weekend and we didn't want it to end.